


The Guest

by ssa_archivist



Category: Smallville
Genre: Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-04-27
Updated: 2004-04-27
Packaged: 2017-11-01 09:27:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,153
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/354960
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ssa_archivist/pseuds/ssa_archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cliches and Mary Sues, all in Smallville.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Guest

## The Guest

by Wicked Wonder

[]()

* * *

Smallville  
"The Guest" 

For: The good people at the TWoP forums. There was a discussion on some of the overused/ annoying phrases that people use in SV fanfiction. So I got this idea... 

Clark was running at super-speed. He had been having these dreams, about Lex! He liked Lana! But Lex was so sexy, and bald, and older, and smooth... Clark blushed and started running to the loft. One dead kitten later, he went to the Talon, to presumably moon over Lana, but he was really waiting on Lex. It was funny how Lex always showed up when Clark needed to see him. Meanwhile, Lex was in his office, shouting boss-orders to some guy on the phone, but he really wasn't concentrating because all he could think of was Clark. That farmboy was really hot, with those long legs, and that hair, and he was so young... "Look, I'll call you back," Lex said into the phone. Two dead kittens later, Lex got into one of his hot little sports cars and drove to the Talon. Clark would be waiting. Meanwhile, there was this girl. Her name was Raven Rhiannon Thompson. She had jet-black hair that she could sit on, and her eyes were a lush purple. She was really hot and she could sing! She was going to the Talon too. Meanwhile again, Clark was sitting with Pete and Chloe, who had appeared. "Man, you tripping over Lana. You need someone different," Pete said out of nowhere. Chloe, who was hopped up on caffeine, growled at the mention of Lana. "I can't stand her! She's always got that... caught in the headlights look. See?" Everyone looked over at Lana, who sure enough, was looking mildly frightened to have so many eyes on her. Just then, Lex appeared! He was wearing a suit, because it was the middle of the day and he should be working but he had skipped out to see Clark. Clark, already blushing, blushed harder as Lex sat down next to him and gave Clark one of those looks. You know, those looks! "So, how've you been Clark?" Lex asked smirkingly. Clark blushed and tried to stammer out an answer that didn't reveal a) his dreams, b) his huge crush on Lex, or c) the fact that he was an alien. Raven Rhiannon walked boldly into the Talon. Lex stood up, surprised. "Raven! I haven't seen you since Father kicked you out of the mansion when we were teenagers." "I know! But now I'm back! And we need to Talk! Where can we go!" "We can go to my castle. You know, the one that is visible from anywhere in town, even though Kansas is notoriously flat." Lex sat down, changed his mind, and stood back up. "I'm coming too," Clark announced. When everyone gave him a quizzical stare, he blushed and muttered, "Well, I am." "Okay! Let's go!" Raven said. She pivoted on her heel and walked out. Clark and Lex followed slowly. "How do you know Raven?" Clark asked.  
"She grew up with me as my sister."  
"What?"  
"My father and mother adopted her when her parents were killed. But my father kicked her out because she said that money wasn't important." Lex shook his (bald) head in astonishment. "That's just crazy talk, man!" They all three piled into the car, which isn't really possible because the car's a two seater, and Clark's like, seven feet tall, but they drove off anyway. In the car, Raven sang to the radio in a really pretty voice. "You have a pretty voice," Clark pointed out. "Thanks!" She flashed her purple eyes at Clark, and Clark discovered that he liked her too! But he liked Lex! And Lana! Clark blushed at that. When they got to the castle, Lionel was waiting there. "Well, well, well, if it isn't Raven Rhiannon! Coming back to insult money more?" Lionel sniggered and looked menacing. Raven winced. "I would never do that now... Daddy!" "Don't call me that! No flesh and blood of mine would ever make disparaging remarks about the almighty dollar." "But we're not blood related!"  
"Good." Lionel turned to Lex. "Son, I don't know why I'm here." He pulled out a piece of paper from his jacket pocket. "Oh yeah. Buck up, take it like a man, don't make me ashamed of you," he read in a monotone. "Now that that's done, see you next week." "Okay, 'bye," Lex said and waited until Lionel was gone. Then he pulled out a flask and a vial of blue pills. "What are those pills, Lex?" Clark asked, all big-eyed. "Dunno. Some uppers, downers, and Viagra. Because I'm not as young as I used to be." Clark stood there and blushed as Lex proceeded to get drunk and high in front of them. As Lex began to stagger, Clark and Raven helped him inside. Lex started crying. "My daddy touches me in bad places! And he doesn't love me! But I love you, Clark." Clark blushed as he said, "I love you too, Lex. And guess what? I'm an alien!" "So am I!" Raven said happily.  
"Does this mean that we can have a wild threesome now?" Lex asked, conveniently forgetting that Clark was only 15 and probably didn't even know what a threesome is. "Okay!" Raven said. She took off her clothes and stood there. For a while, Lex and Clark ignored her while they kissed. "You taste minty, and your skin is really hot, Clark. Now I believe that you're an alien." Lex sighed happily as Clark ghosted over his bald head. The older man expertly stripped the young boy. "Can I see your divining rod, Clark?"  
"Oh..." Clark blushed but quickly got the meaning of what Lex wanted. "Oh my god! You are the absolute biggest I've ever seen!" "Really?" The remark made Clark do a 180 and turned him into a confident expert. "Hey guys! I'm still here!" Raven pouted but shut up when Clark grabbed her and gave her the sausage. Then they all licked stripes on each other until they came and collapsed in boneless heaps. "Man, that was good! Can we get married now?" Clark asked, blushing. "Sure, honey, my shmoopie!" Lex and Clark lay back in the afterglow. Meanwhile, there was this boy, Timmy, who fell down an abandoned well. Clark and Raven heard his cries with their super-hearing. "I'll save him!" Raven said, putting on her clothes and running to the rescue. When she got to the well, she jumped in, but remembered that she couldn't fly. Timmy used her as a stepstool to get out. But the well was full of meteor rocks, and she shriveled up and died. "She died a hero, Clark," Lex said. "The least we can do is have hot gay sex in her memory!" **END**  
(To be followed by "The Guest 2: Kryptonite Bugaloo") 


End file.
